Friday, December 19, 2008

Stirb Nicht Vor Mir (Don't Die Before I Do)

I can't exactly blame it on the time of year, although I'm sure it's not helping things any.

I think about it every day. It's a struggle I live with.

If I hadn't failed before, I would again.

That thought seems to be in my head a lot lately. I think it sums things up pretty well. It's nothing to be fearful of, or upset about. It's just a fact. And I know this. I know I won't try to take my own life again because of what happened.

Last time, I climbed Mt. Everest. And in order to survive, I couldn't just sit there and take in the view. Effort was required in order for me to keep on living. I don't ever want to be there again.

The fact of the matter is I don't ever want to die. That's something else that plagues my mind, the fact that I will die some day.

I'm finding it ironic how much time I waste being bothered by this. In stories, a person that realizes this would be written to take in, and make the most of, every moment. Reality doesn't always work that way.

I want to live forever. I want that more than anything. I don't know what happens after we die. All I know is the life that exists here and now. And it's ending each second that passes by. There's nothing to be done about it.

The smoking doesn't help matters any. But it keeps me from being destructive. I mean, sure I've been pretty destructive in the time that I've smoked, but not like the times I didn't. Well, I guess that's not quite accurate, but internally it is.

I wish I could be with her again... or happy... either or... whichever...

I understand happiness is a state of mind, and life is what I make of it and all of that. But there are certain things I feel and long for, and I choose not to just ignore them or set them aside for the time being. I know there are things I want that aren't in my life near the way I want them right now.

Growing up, I always knew I didn't want to have to wait until the winter of my life before I could have and do and enjoy the things I've always wanted. And I know in theory I have plenty of time left to find these things. I just hope it happens.

I know in the meantime life is passing me by.